I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
