Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
