so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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