and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
