You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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