True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
These tits shall not be calmed
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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