She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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