Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
