Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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