it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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