battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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