Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
