Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
