Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
