I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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