I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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