the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
