i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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