tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
