your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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