Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
