I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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