You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
