i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
