i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.