puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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