You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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