Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
