this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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