if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize
