my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
this beer tastes like vomit already
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
