cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
