I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
