Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
