you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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