Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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