Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
