The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I had to cum in my sink.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
