I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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