i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you traded sex for a burrito?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
