I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
