I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
