3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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