i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
