i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
