i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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