when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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