I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
