Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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