she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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