He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
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Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
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I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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