i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
