Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
