either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
