Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
